I am so so sick and tired of listening to my own voice and thinking about weight day in day out.  If I'm not thinking about weight, I am thinking about how I hurt all the time, how I am tired all the time, how I hate this so much, yet my self control is lost. I have researched therapies, read up on the new fangled trend of ‘ARE YOU OBESE’ websites for you and your child. They have www.fortheadultfatfucker.com and www.foryourfatbastardchildtoo.com Fucked isn’t it? Suddenly, years after myself and Rachel decided to go for funding for body image, the nation seems obsessed and we are now flooded with all these other peeps doing the same thing. It hurts my head.

And is it right that there seems to be so much focus on bloody body image again.  It comes in waves, I guess at the moment it's the new black.  I hate being controlled, even more so by food.  Yet for most of my life so far I would say only a small part of it has been where I have felt truly happy with myself and the way I look and feel.  Now, at work for the kids, we are running the mango project.  All about healthy lifestyles and healthy eating and wait for it....Body image.  What's even more ironic, it was myself and rachel who raised the funds for it. 

How fucking ludicrus is that?  I hate my body, what the fuck can I say to younger people who are going through those normal issues most of us have feared but eventually got to grips with?  Or maybe, we never really do and no amount of workshops will change our own perspective on the parts of ourselves we hate! 

Part of me already knows what to do, what to eat, how to exercise, there is even a part of me which wants to learn more but then there's the other side of me wants who wants to shove more food into my mouth to dull the pain, there for making the pain even worse and the cycle goes on and on....

These days I can hardly breath, I am creating my own cage.  It's all because I became obsessed with weight at an early age when there was really nothing wrong with me at all. I was normal, well as normal as any child who lives in a fantasy world can be.

I am not so sure it's a good thing to focus too closley on your body when growing up and am I having a part in creating more girls and boys who think far too much about their own image rather than their behaviour and little things that really don't seem to be viewed as important any more by some, like how to treat others, and how to say please and thank you.